He was right all aong!

Work, for me at least, has always been a bit of a soul draining experience. It’s not that I don’t work hard; I do. I just have a real hard time defining my self worth based solely upon my career choices, or lack thereof. I’ve held so many positions in my life… draftsman, electronic technician, trash man, custodian, armed security just to name a few. I am currently as an assistant manager in a national chain auto parts store. It’s a good job, and I enjoy some of the challenges it offers. I even went as far as to get my ASE (automotive service excellence) certification. But to no avail! I still have a hard time finding any sort of fulfillment, other than the fact I am providing for my family, through my job. I absolutely refuse to kiss ass and backstab people just to earn an extra dollar! But believe you me there are a more than a few people, even in the small store I work in, that have no difficulty doing just that! The problem is I have spent a large majority of my life chasing the abstract. I just don’t care if you’re the executive managerial assistant or not! I’m far more interested in theological and spiritual concepts than the size of your wallet. And that, my friend, is the single most stumbling block in my life. Maybe if I had spent more time trying to increase my wallet size and less time chasing unattainable ideals, I would at least be better off financially. Like a good friend of mine used to say. Chris, you and I are good guys! The problem is the world has no use for good guys anymore. I used to chuckle at his observation. Lately, however, I’m beginning to see he was right all along!

Reconnecting

I just finished putting the final coat of paint on an eighty-one Honda Goldwing today. It was a great feeling to finally finish a project that has been three months in the making. The bike itself was in fairly good shape with the exception of some fiberglass work. Which, by the way, is a pain in the butt! The funny thing is that I never thought in a million years that I would be doing bodywork again. You see I grew up the youngest child in a household full of gear heads. I’ve seen my dad pull cars from the salvage yard and restore them to pristine condition. He was literally a mechanical genius! He was also very hard to work for. I spent every summer, and a couple of hours after school every day, working in his body shop. When my dad passed away I even quit my job to help my brother continue the family business. But my dad was the glue that held it all together. And my brother, although the most talented person I know, was unable to maintain a business and an addiction at the same time. My mother finally sold the shop, and I drive past it everyday wishing things had turned out differently. I actually forgot how much I love the smell of body filler, primer and paint. My wife, however, doesn’t share my sense of smell! But she has been fairly patient with me as I reconnected with my past and myself. I can’t wait for the next project!!!!!

Small Talk

Random acquaintance: Hey Chris, long time no see, how you been? Man, I figured I see you on tour with “insert random Christian musician here” by now. Are you still playing your music?
Chris: Yeah, I’ve been known to pick a little, but I haven’t been doing a lot lately. I really need to get back in the swing of things, though. How you been doing?
Random acquaintance: Good! You?
Chris: Good! Well, I guess I should get going. Catch ya later!
Random acquaintance: All right, man! Bye!

Why is it we feel the need to make small talk? The truth is I haven’t even darkened the door of a church in over a year, and I pretty much think Christian music is trivial at best. In fact, I haven’t played a gig in over a year and I haven‘t missed it. But my long lost acquaintance didn’t know that. The last time he seen me I was a fully indoctrinated fundamentalist Christian. Today, however, not so much! I read an interview with Bart D Ehrman. He spoke of his journey from fundamental Christianity to agnosticism. I have to admit, it kind of rattled me. If such a great bible scholar and author could come to such a conclusion, where does that leave me?

Maybe I am more like my long lost acquaintance than I would like to believe. Perhaps all the changes have been so gradual that I just didn’t stop to notice it myself. I’m not an agnostic, but I’m not sure I can call myself a Christian either. The problem is I defined myself by my religious beliefs that it flooded every aspect of my life especially my music! Now that religions hold has been broken,I feel somewhat lost. Maybe lost is the wrong word. Perhaps free is a better choice.

P.S. I would like to share a couple of songs I have written that - although I didn't know it at the time - seem to reflect my current sentiments. Just click on the icon below and give them a listen. If you like, you can also download them for free!!!

Fear and Guilt

I would like to think that I have a closer relationship with God than any other time in my life. I mean it certainly feels that way, but there is a very strange absence of guilt that I’m just not used to. Hell, I even tried feeling guilty about not feeling guilty, but it just didn’t work. I don’t even feel guilty about using the word hell in a sentence! What has become of me? I don’t believe in eternal judgment, I believe God loves all his children regardless of their belief system…. Or lack there of! And here’s the kicker, I don’t attend church anymore. In fact, most of Christianities doctrines and dogma repulse me! I can’t really speak of other faiths. I’m sure they have their problems too, but fundamental Christianity is what I’m most familiar with. It’s not that I’m rejecting Jesus. I’m not! But the crap that is preached over the airwaves - and in the pulpits of many churches - is far from the truth of Jesus’ teachings. Why are these people so angry anyway?
I’ve been told when the only tool you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail. Could it be that guilt and the fear of eternal damnation are no longer effective tools? Could it be that the only truly redemptive force in the world is unconditional love? Could it be that perfect love casts out all fear, and in the absence of fear there is no guilt? I have spent the vast majority of my life living with the kind of fear and guilt that only organized religion can bring. And believe me, it’s absolutely not worth it! Given the options between love and vengeance, I’ll choose love every time! There is far less fear and guilt involved. In fact, there isn’t any at all!

Things I've learned

I think it’s probably safe to say that turning forty can be a pivotal moment in a person’s life. I don’t know if you could call what I’ve been experiencing a mid life crisis, but it sure has been enlightening to say the least. And here’s the kicker, I turn forty-one in a few months! So yeah, I’ve been doing some thinking. I haven’t come up with any solid answers, but that doesn’t seem to matter. It seems the journey may very well be more important than the destination. So, if you don’t mind, I would like to share some of the things I’ve learned in my short time on the planet.

1.) I can’t change the world! Yeah I know, that sounds pretty basic. But you have no idea how long I labored under the delusion that it was my responsibility to be a shining light to all that have gone astray.
The only problem with that philosophy is I’m one messed up dude! Trying to hide your flaws behind a mask of religion is not going to change anybody, especially yourself!

2.) There are certain foods I cannot live without! I absolutely love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Reese’s, and Coke! No, not the kind of coke you sniff, smoke or snort. I really have no idea how that is ingested. I’m talking about Coca-Cola. You know, the nectar of the God’s! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t partake in the delicious goodness of at least one of these edible delights!

3.) Walking is good for the soul as well as the body. My best friend and I walk a mile or two every night. Sure, it’s good for the old ticker, but it‘s our spirited discussions I enjoy the most. I’m having a hard time convincing him I am absolutely right on every subject. But I’m sure he’ll come around eventually. But if not, I just need to remember my first revelation. I CAN’T CHANGE THE WORLD!

4.) And finally, the most important thing I’ve learned is this: I know absolutely nothing. Sure, I have opinions, and even strong beliefs. But in the end it really does boil down to faith doesn’t it? I couldn’t function in this world if I didn’t have faith that God’s love is truly redemptive. Because let’s be honest, there is a lot of evidence to the contrary.

Honda Shadow

Okay, I haven't posted in a while, but I'm okay with that! Because sometimes life comes at you so fast it's all you can do to keep up. So, let's see here. I recently purchased a 2009 Honda rebel, rode it for three months and traded it in a a 2005 Honda Shadow. My best friend rides a Goldwing, and the Rebel could barely hit 65 miles per hour on a down hill run with the wind at my back. Needles to say, it made it extremely hard to keep up with him. My Shadow, on the other hand, keeps up on road trips quite nicely. Besides that, I was getting tired of the incessant teasing I received for riding such a small bike. It seems a forty year old man looks a little odd on a small 250 motorcycle! Oh well, live and learn, right?

Answers

The realization that everyone has scars is the first sign of maturity. I used to think that I was somehow special because I faced certain challenges that I perceived as unique to my personal situation. The truth is we all fight (and yes lose) our own battles. The reality is that life is tough, and there are times that we just don’t have the answers, and maybe that’s okay! Maybe the excitement is not in the destination but the journey. Maybe life is more exciting living in the questions! In fact, if you know someone that has the answers run away as fast as you can. They are either lying, delusional or both! Buddha said believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. I think that is good advice don’t you? Sure it’s a little scary questioning the traditions and dogma of our faith. But it must be done if humanity is to evolve beyond our self centered lifestyles. It’s really not that hard when you think about it. Jesus said love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself. If we do this then we will be free to ask the tough questions even if there might not be a simple answer.